Sunday, July 24
i'm confused. and scared. just a little.
ever since you left, i haven't been able to study. i don't know why, i can't explain it. i don't do my homework. i can't seem to care. and every day when i take the bus home, i try to get on a 961 cos that's what we used to take. and i remember how we'd sit or stand if the bus was crowded, and talk utter bullshit. sometimes we discussed more important things than bullshit. by the end of four years, i guess we weren't even speaking english anymore, since no one ever seemed to get what we were saying. we don't talk on the phone while doing homework anymore. or exchange books and watch movies. is this why i hardly ever budge from my position in front of the computer? i turn it on as soon as i reach home, and hardly leave it except to play the piano. i don't know what i want. there's no tangible goal for me. i'm not in the best class anymore. it's an accepted fact that i'm not smart or hardworking and my mind's somewhere else half the time. i guess there isn't any point in hoping wildly that i'll ever find someone else like you to be my buddy. is this what growing up means? that we'll always have to be alone? people die, so love them every day. beauty fades, so look before it's gone. love changes, but not the love you give. and if you love, you'll never be alone. remember? watch us grow up, grow apart. watch them fall in love. always watching. never doing. i need a goal. some motivation. throw me a bone, dangle me a carrot. where's my pride, when i need it the most? you always told me my pride would be my downfall. i think you were wrong. my greatest fault is that i care too much. those who have no emotional attachments to other beings seem to survive just fine. i want a hamster. yes. i want a pet. i can't have a dog. but why not a hamster? i'd love it. i'd care for it. i'd hold it and tell it i love it. i'd play with it and never let it be bored. it would be mine. and then maybe i'd be able to study harder. get off this damned com. do my work. because there would be something else besides me breathing in this room.
it must've been love.
7:55 pm
xoxo
